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Ted Nugent (born 1948) is a pathetic, psychopathic brainless hack with an insatiable appetite for "underage poontang"[1][2][3][4], firearms, killing things, and dodging the draft. Now all washed up - due to the death of the record industry and not at all to do with the fact that his music has steadily become more formulaic, derivative, and unlistenable with each passing year since the 1970s - he is currently a radio DJ in Bumfuck, MI. Every four years, he says, this year he'll run for Governor of Michigan, at last; the population humors him by claiming they'd support him until he decides that he's not running after all. In true stopped clock fashion, he has converted his home into a wildlife preserve and is adamant about hunting being a method of procuring food as opposed to just shooting things. He has severe mental problems, due to which he does not shut the hell up about his sheer hatred for muslims, Barack Obama, liberals, black people, and anyone who isn't a gun-toting redneck. He is a seriously pathetic disgrace to the human race. He should be blasted from the Earth onto the moon, and left there to rot.

In February of 2013, World Net Daily proudly announced that the man who said "real Americans are working hard, playing hard, white motherfucking shit kickers who are independent" and that African-American rappers appearing on MTV are "big uneducated greasy black mongrels"[5] will be gracing their website once a week with his special brand of wisdom. Ted Nugent openly said he believes some non-whites are subhuman.[6]

Contents Edit

[hide] 

  • 1 Home town
  • 2 Music career
  • 3 Politics
  • 4 Racism
  • 5 Something Corporal Klinger never tried to get out of the Army
  • 6 Onstage ranting
  • 7 Homeschooling
  • 8 Essay
  • 9 See also
  • 10 External links
  • 11 References

Home town Edit

Ted Nugent is from that American success story, Detroit, Michigan. There is no truth to the claim Nugent single-handedly turned Detroit into its present wasteland. There's even less truth to the claim that lazy freeloaders on welfare are solely responsible for it, a claim Ted Nugent backs wholeheartedly.

Music career Edit

In the beginning, Nugent truly was very talented, having created the riff to the song "Journey to the Center of the Mind" by his first band, the Amboy Dukes, when he was merely 19.[7] In addition, his huge and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-worthy solo hits such as "Stranglehold", "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Wango Tango" rightly deserve their place in the pantheon of great rock and roll songs that changed music forever. However, even in the 1970s, his absolute batshit craziness was on display in certain songs such as his paranoid gun nut screed "Stormtroopin'"[8] and his vile pedophilia ode "Jailbait."[9] The hits dried up for him in the '80s, largely because he stopped looking for newer and more inventive riffs, and was clearly recycling his past glories (plus he tried to sound too much like Bon Jovi). His only respite from this dry spell was when he became part of the supergroup Damn Yankees, though this is likely largely due to the songwriting and vocals of Tommy Shaw of Styx and Jack Blades of Night Ranger.

Politics Edit

Far right.

Except when he's EXTREMELY MODERATE![10]

Racism Edit

It's no surprise that the man who referred to Trayvon Martin as a "wannabe gangster" and "Skittles hoodie boy", called Barack Obama a "subhuman mongrel", and even expressed admiration for apartheid in South Africa during his 1990 "Jap Whack" tour, would harbor racist sentiments. Of course, Nugent denies this, claiming things like "I'm Rosa Parks with a Gibson" and using his love of black musicians to state that he's no racist.[11] He also frequently plays covers of songs like Big Joe Williams' "Baby Please Don't Go," Jimi Hendrix's "Red House", Bo Diddley's "Bo Diddley" (of course), and Isaac Hayes' "Soul Man" in concert, along with his usual repertoire.[12] Nugent also claims to support Native American land rights, and claims that he hunts the way Plains tribes did with the buffalo (despite the fact they had an affinity with them, and didn't blast away with assault weapons and armor-piercing bullets), even using this imagery in many of his recent albums.[13] Then again, several tribal casinos cancelled some of his concerts in recent days. Recently he has received much attention on the Internet for blaming gun control on a Jewish conspiracy.

Something Corporal Klinger never tried to get out of the Army Edit

According to a legend which at first seemed to be true (It turns out it wasn't. Damn.) Nugent avoided the draft during the Vietnam War by getting a psychological deferment. He showed up at the draft board looking and acting like he was homeless and schizophrenic. He also claimed to have urinated and defecated in the pants he wore to his draft board physical. However, in 2006, he claimed he had made the story up because every rocker in the 1970s was making up their own stories about "draft dodging."

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/2015/06/03/fact-checker-ted-nugent-draft-dodging-claim-revisited/28324833/

Naturally, he is now one of the most vocal proponents of what is popularly known as the Global War on Terror.

Onstage ranting Edit

On 8/24/07, Rolling Stone reported "Decked out in full-on camouflage hunting gear, Nugent wielded two machine guns while raging, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun. Hey Hillary,” he continued. “You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch.”"[14]

 He then got incredibly offended when the Secret Service investigated him. Making threats against presidential candidates is TOTALLY protected speech!

The 2013 "Black Power" tour only showed that his rants got even more unhinged, and that he'd always launch these rants before he performed "Stormtroopin'."[15]

Homeschooling Edit

Ted homeschooled at least one of his children for a a while, further . ... proving . . .... that . . ..... if . . . . . . .........errrr?

Essay Edit

On January 20th, 2017, Nugent published an essay titled "How I Got In Trump's Pants", detailing a late night threesome he had with James Comey and Donald Trump at a 5-star hotel, while playing a Marvin Gaye album on a CD player. He talked about how James Comey had the most fun. According to Nugent, Near the end, he climaxed so hard that there was pee all over the walls, which Trump ended up licking, after which he licked Comey and Nugent's butts. This book is yet to be circulated.

See also Edit

  • Jedi Mind Tricks: A hip-hop group known for similar displays of outlandish bigotry and crankery.
  • Varg Vikernes: A rare musician crazier than Ted.
  • Grand Funk Railroad: Musical contemporaries, fellow Michiganders, and sometime political kindred spirits of the Nuge, albeit even more eccentric.
  • Deranged Psychopath: What he is

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